February 2014 – needlesdrugsandrockandroll

On Friday 7th February 2014 I was dealt a minor curveball in my life.

Feeling slightly unwell and getting a lot of stick from both family and friends for being a pussy ( a name that has lived proudly in the McClean household since me and my brother were born), I trudged off to the local GP to try convince them that the medication previously prescribed to me wasn’t working and that I was in pain still. Firstly though I had to check the pain was still there myself, and I was proud to announce that it was. Get in, I finally have a valid reason to miss lectures.

The GP sympathetically let me go to the hospital to get an X-ray of my chest, so I wandered off down the road heading towards news large enough to turn my world upside down.

For me this blog isn’t about informing you of the details of my illness, it’s about trying to show you that this hospital life isn’t all that bad and in actual fact 3 meals a day is normal, as opposed to a bowl of cereal once a day, if I’m lucky! It will be written in the most upbeat fashion possible and it’s intended to make you guys laugh and certainly not cry. For those of you that have had first hand experience of my English skills, you know exactly who I’m talking about, you will also know that they ‘ain’t quality atall’, but I’ll try my best!

I reached the Western, the local hospital, and waited until my name was called. I got the standard checks you would get when you go to hospital and I remember thinking when the guy was taking my blood, ‘pah, ain’t gonna find anything in there wee man’. After these were completed, I went back to the waiting room where I got talking to a lovely elderly Glaswegian, a Rangers fan too! After a long wait I got taken into a ward where there were 3 other elderly men.

It was here I got a visit from my uncle. He sauntered in and proceeded to laugh! ‘Ya big fanny, so y’ar! There’s nothing wrong with you’. At the time I couldn’t agree more. I was sitting, right as rain, no pain, on an airplane. Okay so that doesn’t work but it was worth a try! I was tempted to discharge myself, go home and go to the pub- it sounded far more appealing! As he was leaving he, somehow had noticed that the hand sanitiser was facing perfectly towards my crotch. Alan has a knack for making an absolute tit out of you, out of nowhere! He then slammed his hand down on the squirty top and it created the most glorious arc of hand sanitiser heading directly for my crotch. May I add I was also wearing grey jogging bottoms… Fortunately he didn’t follow up on his threat of going to get the nurse to tell her I had got a bit excited!

Eventually I got word from the doctor that there was a small problem with my blood count and they wanted to move me to the Beatson institute, a cancer specialist unit at Gartnavel hospital. It was perhaps here that I should have clocked that something was up. I was transferred to the new hospital in a taxi ambulance, don’t get too excited, it was one of those without any sirens! During the ride I had flirted with the idea that something serious could be happening, and then proceeded to laugh it off. ‘What if it’s HIV? No chance. What if it’s cancer? Nah you canny get cancer in the blood I don’t think!’ These thoughts came and went and eventually I met my mum and Auntie Alison in the hospital. My mother was meant to be up spoiling me, taking my shopping and for dinner. Instead she sat in whilst I got told the news that would temporarily put my life on hold for a matter of months.

I’ll try to keep each blog to a reasonable length so as to prevent boredom, however this was one days worth! I promise the future ones will be more upbeat and a whole load funnier. This may even include a video of me on nitrous oxide, better known as laughing gas, which is bloody brilliant stuff! I’m also going to end each blog with NSNO- for those of you who don’t know what this means, you will laugh but it’s short for ‘Nil Satis Nisi Optimum’. This is Evertons motto which is Latin for ‘Nothing but the best is good enough’. Sounds odd but I will beat this and get back to my normal life straight away. Plus, I needed to get some form of Everton shit in somewhere!

Peace,

NSNO x

Just a few photos too keep you all entertained too…